Wednesday, February 27, 2008

A “WTF Moment”

My gracious host has owned popular restaurants in large cities throughout China. Watching him cook, you can see his great capability. When he eats, you see how open his mind is. Finally the question came about: is there anything you don’t like? After two days of thinking, his answer:


Wait a moment… pizza? Please tell me it’s a joke.

No, pizza.

You can’t be serious. Visions of the Hindenburg are going through my mind. “Oh, the humanity! I can’t talk, ladies and gentlemen!!” As a pizza snob, this hurt my ears. Pizza? C’mon! How can pizza, one of my favorite dishes, be someone’s most hated? How bad could it be? I always said: pizza is like sex – it can never be bad, just better or worse.

Fast forward a couple days later. He is so sweet and bought me a pizza as a surprise. My fellow readers… now I understand. The last couple times I’ve been to China, I told them I felt sorry for them, because they don’t really see blue skies due to all the pollution. I was quite delighted to see that’s not the case so much any more. Now I feel deep sorrow for them on another level – their pizza. Aramis has spoken about his WTF moments. He uses it positively. This WTF moment was not.

When I am visiting abroad, I eat as the Romans do. But hey, I won’t turn down a pizza, especially if given to me as a gift. I opened the box of pizza to dig in, and…




I think people know how open-minded I am, especially when it comes to food. And it’s pizza, right? I am above just pepperoni and sausage. Pineapple and ham is not a big deal. I’ve had all sorts of toppings. But this!?! Let me tell you about my pizza –

The “normal” stuff were crust, cheese, shrooms, and ham. I would have been fine there. But nooooooo

“Abnormal” – no sauce. That’s right, there was no sauce. But that was the most non-abnormal. There was corn spread around. Okay, I can deal with that. Next, lemon wedges? Not sure. I bit into the pizza. No, they were hunks of potatoes! On top, the pizza was encircled with a white stripe like something from Cinnabon. It was mayonnaise. Next to the pizza were two containers. I thought they were jalapeño peppers. Nope, they were slices of sweet pickles. Ok, I experimented and put a couple pieces on my slices. It just gets worse, folks. Finally, the pizza had corn flakes sprinkled all across the top.

Friends, I just had bad sex.

When I arrived to the US, my friend picked me up at the airport. He asked me what I want to eat. That night, my thin crust with pepperoni, onions, and shrooms felt oh, so good.


Porthos said...

The lesson, if any, is not to deviate too far from local cuisine when traveling in unfamiliar territory.

I'd like to see you send that pic to the Italian Consulate and see if they can do something about appointing a Cultural Attache to Mr. PIZZA.

It's just so wrong.

Aramis said...

That looked awful. Kinda looked like something I would have made at 4am in college after smoking a bowl.

Bigus Edicus said...

I think they need to rename their "PIZZA" to bread with weird s*** on top!!!